Given that the FPA (the Fascist Party of America aka GOP or the Good Ole Piranhas) will undoubtedly continue to threaten a takeover of the US led by their fuehrer, you-know-who, I thought I’d suggest some New Year’s resolutions so all good people can prepare for the vicious onslaught of the MAGA maniacs.
Buy a gun. Yeah, that sounds like bad advice because there were more than 600 mass shootings in America in 2023, but the MAGA hordes of fascists might soon be knocking on our doors or simply breaking them down to hang us. “Hang Mike Pence!” will turn into “Hang All Liberals and Progressives!” After all, the invaders of the Capitol on January 6, 2021 were out for blood and certainly would have hanged Pelosi or Pence if they’d found them. The fascists’ wannabe emperor, Narcissus le Grand, fomented an insurrection that day, the nation’s House was attacked, and people were wounded or died—so our own houses, places of work, and schools could be the MAGA mob’s next targets!
Get your papers in order. The fascists will also come for your car and house. While it’s unclear if the fascist courts will protect the rights to your properties, you’ll not have any chance at all if your papers aren’t in order. You certainly won’t find any help from the car salespeople and real estate agents, who’re also pariahs and are mostly fascists too. (Your gun might be helpful here as well. Be watchful and prepared.)
Hide if necessary. Although the only good MAGA maniac is a dead one, don’t hunt them down. Don’t even attract their attention. They’ll have a lot more guns than you do, even with the NRA now proven to be a completely corrupt institution. (You can bet that you-know-who will pardon Lapierre too. He’s going to pardon all the January 6 insurrectionists…and himself.) Wait for the fascists to find your hideout. They’ll eventually come for you, so you can at least take a few out when that occurs.
Otherwise practice genuflecting. Or, maybe you should just practuce that simpler Nazi salute, recognizing DJT as your fuehrer too? That “f^%$ing moron” thinks he’s king or emperor material; wants to be our absolute ruler; and clearly will do anything, legal or illegal, to accomplish that. The FPA’s fuehrer will demand absolute loyalty from you and your family in any case as he turns the US into one of those “shithole countries” he loves to malign where their citizens actually have souls; he doesn’t.
Practice holding your treasured religious documents upside down. The wannabe Il Duce, he with the imperial scowl (his mug shot says it all!), as an agent of any religion’s Devil, dissed the Bible by doing just that, so he undoubtedly approves of everyone doing it to honor him; and he’s already joined the far-right white supremacists and spoken out against Jews and Muslims as well. Apparently, unless you’re that fascist Franklin Graham or any of his toadies, you should be arrested and deported for “poisoning the blood” of true Americans, meaning those far-right white suprmacists who are so stupid they believe they’ll all be replaced by Jews or by other invaders of the homeland.
Start saving to pay those extra taxes that will be due the fuehrer and his family. They won’t be used to protect Social Security of improve Medicare, I assure you. And only his friends will receive tax breaks—count on it. Everyone else will pay more to enrich our wonderful fascist leaders! DJT thinks he’s king, after all, and there will be plenty of sheriffs of Nottingham to pursue tax evaders and collect money to enrich DJT and his family.
Become a baby doctor or undertaker. They will both make good money as America’s new fuehrer creates an executive order that will please the fascist Christiain right because it will make those who give or get abortions punishable by death. Both women and their doctors will be executed via hanging in the village squares by the MAGA hordes. Before that occurs, they should all learn to shoot their guns. That might not save them, but they’ll take a few fascists with them.
Run for the hills if your pronouns aren’t at least those of a Christain fanatic like Graham. Like those countries in Africa, we’ll become one where even the hint of homosexual proclivities will cause an angry MAGA mob to tear you limb from limb. If they can’t blame the Jews for all their troubles, they’ll fall back on the homosexuals. It’s guaranteed!
Do you think all this is too farfetched? Think again! A lot of it is already happening abroad. In the US and worldwide, there are no guarantees that democracies can survive the attacks from evil and rabid fascists. It might take a while to destroy democracy in America, maybe even another Civil War where the wrong side now wins? (In that case, your gun will also come in handy!) The fact that I can imagine these things in these resolutions for 2024 because of our current political climate says that America is indeed in a very bad place. At year’s end, I might be saying, “I told you so!” Or you and I might be dead!
Now, tell me, please: How do I even buy a gun when I’m not a fascist? I sold my grandfather’s ancient Remington hunting rifle (I think it was a 30-odd-six, whatever that is), and Winchester 12-gauge shotgun (or was it the reverse, Winchester and Remington?) to a gun collector years ago. Big mistake, right! Just the shotgun alone could probably take out multiple fascists. I’m sure the FBI, which Il Duce will certainly use to go after his critics if elected, didn’t even know my grandfather or I had them. (Sorry, G-men, I’m not saying who that collector was. By the way, if you make the gun you’ve made a resolution to buy a military-style automatic, you’ll be better off than that gun collector!)
Or, maybe the best resolution is: Flee to Canada! But I can’t imagine Trudeau welcoming an elderly author who’s a pacifist progressive, his only weapons his words. They can be a danger for any politician, of course, even if they aren’t fascist. You might have better luck in Canada than I would, though, so keep that escape route in mind.